we are officially installed in the new place.
getting here has been a long process, but all but the largest of my belongings are scattered around this little apartment, and we are sorting through and trying to begin a life here.
i feel the nesting instinct kicking in. i know i need to job search, but with so many boxes around, with so many empty cupboards and echoing rooms, i am far more motivated to feel the comfort of being surrounded by my life.
i feel at home here, without question. strangely, i feel that way more than i ever did in meriden. there was nothing wrong with meriden, but for some reason, i think i always knew that i wouldn’t be there for long. it wasn’t quite right. this apartment is cozy, within walking distance to a park and a t stop, large enough to fit all of my belongings, but small enough not to feel cavernous and empty. it feels appropriate and right, and as soon as i have THE job, i will begin creating a routine.
i crave a routine. i crave homelife.
i crave food shopping, cooking dinners, meeting tim after work for a pint, new inspiration for artistic endeavors, letting go of the animosity that is still coursing through me from my last failed professional attempts, seeing autumn in boston, making new friends, and making this city mine.
i am
almost. there.
there are other portions of my life causing disruption. i refuse to fully discuss it because i made such a fuss about being discussed. but i’m coming to terms with how i feel about things. if you know me at all, you understand that i’m no good at feeling things without maintaining control. i can’t just give in and allow things to happen. i have to stay 1 step removed, or i will be bogged down and swallowed whole by it.
so right now, i have my finger on the light switch, but i haven’t flipped it. i’m trying this out. and it’s hard, and exhausting, on top of the rest of the confusion and upheaval in my life.
but in the moment, it’s so good. i like being liked. i like being thought of when i’m not there. sometimes, i even like to have someone to think about.
so, it’s like this: i’m not making any plans. i’m not using labels or making defining statements.
but i’m not drawing a line in the sand.
i’m not asking for proof, or grand displays of devotion, or help in any way.
i’m just asking for enough time and space to come to my senses after all of this confusion.
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